SIGNS OF GRACE

While at the Lake, caught a beautiful rainbow over Lake Michigan. What were the chances that we'd see one again and be there just at that moment and time?
As ever the rainbow was a reminder of God's presence, power, hope, and that God keeps God's promises. I needed that assurance.
This week, helping with LH's VBS "Crocodile Dock" - the theme song, which after 3 evenings is still reverberating in my head is, "I Will Not Be Afraid". It seems that God is wanting me to take heart, not be discouraged and to trust ever and always in Him. I'm working on it.
Just a couple signs of grace that God has brought to me in the past week. May you look for signs of grace God is placing before you.

BACK AGAIN!

Back from vacation to spend time with sister and BIL. Windy City still windy.
Cedar Beach was thin as the Lake level was higher with all the rain that it received and a lot of beachy grass and scrubby growth. Since I saw a snake slither into the growth last summer while strolling the beach, I was disinclined to tromp through all that growth not knowing what I'd walk into.
Caught a gorgeous rainbow over the lake and it took to photos to get it all in!!!
I lost at mini golf.
I lost at Jenga.
I lost twice at croquet.
Fortunately, I am for the most part a good loser.
Got in lots of reading - The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency series. Been plowing through them
Still have a couple things left to tackle on my dossier.
Cleaned house - although there is still much to put away.
Ran the dishwasher and will be putting the sheets and eventually towels in the wash.
Today will be night three of LH's VBS.
Am deadheading my profusely blooming red geraniums, doing battle with Japanese
beetles, and having to water every other day the flower bed and herb garden.
Finding delight in seeing little green tomatoes on the vine!
Saw a beautiful leopard butterfly (at least that's my name for it- orange with spots and not a monarch) munching on my echinacea or purple cone flowers.
Just feels really weird not being in a church office or preparing for Sunday or making visits.
Working with the new greyhound. Exchanged Gozar-the-Destructor-Toby, who needed a family and someone around most of the time and lots more activity than we were able to give him for Ty - a shy black 5 year old, with a white chest, nipped ear, and chewed up tongue. He growls at LH whenever LH walks into the room where Ty is.
Ty is the most vocal grey we've had, barks at everything and nothing. He is slowly getting better. He's also eating more now and seems to enjoy the chicken broth made with chicken liver, hearts, gizzards, butt and extra fat that came with the chicken we grilled over the weekend. It takes a lot of patience with a grey that is this shy.
The late Ben, also took some time to settle in, and get used to LH. He still always jumped whenever the pot lids clanged together, or something got dropped on the floor and he was the sweetest grey we ever had.
Ty has a mischievious side as he as stolen a rag from the laundry room and chewed up a pamphlet in the study. Hope that will go away in time.
So, that's where I am at the moment. Being a Hausfrau and Doggie Mom and escorting the 3rd-6th graders at VBS. Not bad, but just not being as useful as I long to be.
Why is it, when we are serving and running full tilt and yearning for a few days of just being with God, and then, when transition comes and we have days to just be with God, we are yearning to be back in the pulpit? (Sigh)Are we never content?

LOW SATURDAY -
Feeling kinda low as I won't be preaching tomorrow although, I do have a prayer and benediction to work for a supply preaching Sunday when we return from vacation the beginning of July.
I have no clue where this time of transition will lead. My self-confidence is in the gutter and I am clinging to hope.
I pray to the Silence and try to trust the One who is Life. It is most difficult not to get discouraged or give in to despair. I cannot ignore or mitigate the anguish of my soul. I have been in such an abyss before but each time has different nuances and I know God is longing to bring something to me, only I don't know what and struggle with the time that it takes and for the healing to come.
I am restless and nothing seems to bring me much peace or comfort. So, I do things for short periods and little by little there are pieces of accomplishment. That helps a bit. It gets me through another day. But the angst over our future has gripped my heart and squeezes until I can't catch my breath. I take deep breaths. I pray. But it always comes back, during the day, after dinner, in the wee hours of the morning while I am still abed but can no longer sleep. And I keep praying to the Silence that is God for now.

ODDLY STRANGE
to be home on a Tuesday
to not be at peace
to struggle to breathe
to not succomb to despair
to keep working on my dossier

Trying desperately to keep everything in perspective. I wish I had approached some things differently, yet, they may not have made any great difference at all. Only God knows that.
I gave my last sermon Sunday and the COM rep felt it was good and loving. Can one live the love of Christ in the midst of pain and rejection. Yup. Only it takes all and everything you have and the very strength of Christ. And afterwards, you are so empty. I am glad it's over. It has been a difficult 5 months.
LH is dealing with some of the same. We will soon be in a pickle if something doesn't up soon for him or me.
What is going on in our churches? Full of fear and anxiety over their survival, yet not always willing to try something or even supporting the something members try.
I am much stronger in the short term than long term and will hopefully focus on interim, supply or designated pastor positions.
Toby, our newest greyhound, is simply not adjusting after 6 months. He destroyed several CD's while at a VBS fundraiser Sunday evening. The very last straw.
We will have to return him and our contact is willing to make a trade for a more laid back greyhound.
Perhaps, in some ways, I was not the best match for this church. They needed someone to live in town and commuting in and not always being in town every evening was a dynamic that simply didn't work there. There will be new life for them and for me, for LH. INFJ's have a harder go of it.
So, there will be a trip to IN and hard as it is to give up a dog, he needs a home where he will get more attention and stimulation. A road trip might good to put some distance between me and the church and to take one day at a time, trusting ever and always in our God of Life. Feeling in the storm tossed boat with the disciples and trusting that Jesus is in the stern even when I see him not.

JOHN BELL RETREAT

The Synod of the Covenant has had to cancel the John Bell Retreat up in Michigan.
John was seriously ill with internal bleeding and undergoing tests. He has been diagnosed with a bleeding ulcer and will be taking it easy for the next month or two as he heals and recovers. May our prayers be with John for continued healing, a good recovery and time to replenish his spirit.

STUFF

Packing up my office at the church, it's simply amazing how much stuff I accumulated in 5 years. Two bulging wastebasketfuls!! And there are yet 2 stacks on the bookshelf. Finding room in our already full of boxes basement, I know it must be time to chuck things big time. But, I'm of the sort, who thinks, "you never know when you'll need it." And about the time, I get rid of something, shortly afterwards, it is revealed that it was just the thing I needed!
The empty office echoes the emptiness I feel within me. I am tired, worn out and nearly completely drained. It's as though everything has been sucked out from me. The question remains, what does God want with me? To what and to whom is God calling me?
I try not to get too discouraged. Some relationships work out better than others and mistakes are made by all parties. My intellect tells me this but the heart takes more convincing and needs time to heal. Did I mention, that I feel like I could sleep for a week? I'll settle for 8 good hours when this Sunday is behind me.
It has taken every drop of energy, resolve, grace, love and the power of God to keep going. How dismissed does one feel when a parishioner swishes a cord during the sermon? There is nothing more I can say to her. She has blocked me and no longer hears.
I have stood firm in my faith, acted lovingly and graciously throughout. They cannot fault that nor my integrity.
There is new life that yet awaits them and me.
Until then, there are still a couple more boxes that need to be packed and removed, and goodbyes that need to be said.
It has been a sad and difficult week, but there is the grace of Christ's presence that sustains me and is there in the prayers and goodbyes. I have felt it.

QUITE A MONTH:

It has been a month since my last post and it has been a roller coaster.
I am leaving small rural church and Sunday, June 14th will be my last day.
I survived 5 years here and nurtured relationships and failed at others. I pray they will learn to communicate in healthy, honest ways.
And although, membership and finances were fairly stable, these past months, finances have been less so.
I have been a lightening rod, so to speak, for a rapidly aging congregation and younger ones. They have challenges to face and reality to face into.
I have made a couple mistakes as have they. Unfortunately, they were not willing to work through them and to grasp the reconcilation of our Lord Jesus Christ.
It has been a month of anguish, failure, repentance, forgiveness, and grace.
I have noticed a draining of my energy in the past year and a lessening of joy. Not that I am afraid of challenge.
But I am drained and empty at this point and ready to move on, after some breathing space. I feel as though I could sleep for a week!
There is a different dynamic in a rural community when the pastor lives away from town. I was upfront with that in the interview.
I have stood firm in my faith and in my love for them. But it is time, for me and for them to move on, trusting ever in God.
One never wants to wish time away, but I wish that this Sunday was already over.
And the burden of these past weeks can be lifted from my shoulders, heart and spirit.
I would have liked to leave under better conditions but it is as it is and God and I are making the best of it.
COM has been helpful and fair.
LH and I are will be going on vacation the last week of June and I know it will be a time of refreshment and renewal - being with my family and on Lake Michigan, walking the beach. Water heals my soul, reminding me of the waters of my baptism which cleanse and claim me as God's own.
So, forgive me for not writing. I have been in much prayer throughout this past month and will be in the coming weeks.
I have kept up with many you, just haven't commented.
Perhaps, after this week, I will have more time write and reflect. Trust God through the changes and transitions in your life. There are always endings but in each ending there is also a new beginning. I am open to where God will lead me next and use even me, flawed, imperfect, and who has taken on a role never imagined - lightening rod! There is ever much learning and growing in faith, and a humbling.
I have been preparing the congregation in the past weeks for this change and ending, with much integrity and faithful to my Lord. It still will be difficult but I trust our God of resurrection and new life as I hope you do, too. Hold fast to the sure and certain hope that is ours ever in Jesus Christ. New life is possible!

SPRING UPDATE:

The Geraniums arrived and I bought 6 red ones, along with 2 Silver Falls vines and on Friday planted them in my flower boxes and attached them to the porch railing. Then I mixed up some nectar and put the hummingbird feeder out. It's a wee feeder that hangs from a standing hook in my flower box.
I also did more weeding. The lupine has come up, the poppy plant is wildly growing, my forget-me-nots came back and are blooming, the Pin Cushions have taken over and have buds, the Dr. Suess flowers (Bee Balm) are abundant, but the Butterfly bush seems to have not remembered to come back and neither has the Larkspur. Two on the list to replace.
I still have to get some marjoram from the Herb Fair this weekend. But the other herbs are in except for the Basil. Ahh, the wisdom of a 50 year old that has lost a Basil every year for the past 5 years. I'm outsmarting nature this year and am waiting til the last frost date. Good thing, since they are predicting a light frost or near frost tonight.
If only I could keep the weeds and grasses at bay. 'Tis an ongoing job to weed. Little by little it all gets done and some I learn to live with knowing I can never eradicate them all. (Probably could, if I used Preen. However, Preen inhibits the growth of seeds of plants that reseed themselves (sometimes my snapdragons do) and perenials that drop seeds and spread themselves (which I wanted my perenials to do).
So, there, I live with weeds and among weeds. And some weeds are kinda nice and flowery you just have to watch that they don't take over and choke out the good flowers.
Sometimes, I have to let the weeds grow because I don't want to damage pulling out something good, like my anemones and crocuses, or young bee balm. When the flowers are done blooming and the weeds rise up, I can tell by the leaves which are which and pull the weeds unmercifully. Sometimes, I can't tell til the weed is bigger, that it's a weed and not something I planted!!!!!
One weed I've tried to grow is Milkweed. I started the seeds indoors last March thinking that by June, I could plant them outside!!! They are the slowest growing seeds that turned into thess fragile spindly stems with leaves. I nurtured them all spring, summer, fall and winter, even repotting them, always watering them. Now, a year later, I decided it was time and planted them at the side of the house by the backyard fence. They get sunlight, but shade from the fence. I'll just have to remember to water them since they are under the overhang and it doesn't get as wet.
They are on their own and have to stand for themselves!!!! Now, they are a weed and should propagate well, one would think. I have cared for them over a year and it was time for them to grow deeper roots and find their place in the world. I hope they make it. Will check on them this evening. Still the nurturer who can't entirely let go!!!
There grows my garden...

JOHN BELL RETREAT:

If anyone is interested in spending time with John Bell of the Iona Community, our Synod is hosting a retreat June 21-23, 2009 at Colombiere Retreat Center, Clarkston, MI (just outside Detroit). It begins Sunday evening 7 pm (registration 6 ish pm) and runs through noon on Tuesday. Cost is only $160.00 and is payable to the Synod of the Covenant, 1911 Indianwood Circle -B, Maumee, OH 43537-4063. Unfortunately, our Synod is not geared for receiving money on-line, but a check can be sent to the Synod.
John will be engaging our imaginations and will invite us to discover the ten things we never knew about Jesus.
This is open to all denominations, not just Presbyterians and is open to clergy and lay alike.
Just wanted to put the information out there, incase some MI and Northern OH folks or even further away, would want to spend some quality retreat time with John Bell.
If you want more info - comment please with your e-mail and I'll get back with you.